On the Other Side of Suicidal

Once upon a time, I wanted to die.

Yes, it was over a girl.

How quaint, I know. I can smile upon it from over here in the future, but back in that present, all hope was lost. I refer to those full two months as The Darkness. There were no colors during May and June of 2015.

Only black.

I didn’t want to be alone, but sharing time with people gave me no relief. I wasn’t depressed, I was destroyed. It felt like poison in my veins. I couldn’t stand, sit, sleep, watch TV, drive, do ANYTHING to make the pain stop. It was relentless.

“Sleeping” was the worst. This was when there was absolutely no escape. No distraction was available to me. The full onslaught of my torturous existence was cranked up to 11 as I writhed and screamed into my pillow until my throat felt close to bursting.

I got some sleeping pills.

Didn’t work.

I took more than I was supposed to. Not by much, though. This wasn’t an attempt to do anything but get some much needed rest. But it was just impossible. It was fitful at best and I would wake up every morning in a neutral state of mind.

Then I would remember her.

My whole body, mind, heart and brain would clench tight. The anguish would immediately flood in and disrupt those brief moments of sanity.

It slowly dawned on me one of those days that I legitimately did not want to continue living. Existence was just too painful. Too many days of torture made me want to end it.

So I started Googling to figure out what the best method would be. There was different criteria for “best”.

These included:

  • Least amount of pain.
  • Least messy.
  • Quickest.
  • Least traumatizing for whoever found me.

The usual stuff for the death-hungry soul.

It took a few tries to get some straight answers from the interwebs. Once I found something that looked promising, it would turn out to be a trick, only to yield phone numbers to hotlines and pleads to reconsider. It’s so bizarre to look back and analyze my reactions to those moments. It was a swirl of relief and disappointment when I saw that I wasn’t going to learn anything actionable.

One article looked like it would be the same thing, but then relented and provided some information. The conclusion I came to was that death is awful. There is no way to avoid that ugly truth. The only exception I can think of is when someone gets a lethal injection. Those bastards are the only ones who get to die in peace.

I was jealous.

People started to show signs of being sick of me. I totally understood. I was sick of me too. Always complaining and needing someone to lean on is not a great time for anyone.

I once had a friend who only had tears and gloomy inflections whenever I talked to him during a time when he was going through something similar. I told him pretty quickly that I couldn’t deal with it and he needed to figure it out. Then a few months later, when it was my turn to grieve, he did the same to me.

No hard feelings.

I’m just lucky it wasn’t like that for every one of my friends or these words may never have reached your eyes. To those who stuck with me, I’ll be forever grateful.

You saved my life.

And what did you save? Well as hard as life is for us all, I can find happiness and contentment when it once was impossible. I can laugh and joke and bond with other fellow travelers.

I can feel the sun and see the shifting shadows guided by the wind. All manner of critters that walk, crawl and fly are on full display to fascinate my imagination. Water flows and sparkles. Clouds morph and tease at the glowing moon. The stars watch with silent curiosity as I stare back at them.

Music can stir primal emotions and awaken unnameable perceptions deep within my untapped psyche. Simple body motions carry the weight of purpose that was lost in the depths of those darkest of hours.

I am glad to be alive.

Thank you life.

I almost lost you back there.

Brian Relay is a digital artist with ten years of random work experience that loosely relates to his field of study. He lives in New Hampshire with his transient musings and collection of half-resolved issues. Together with his un-imaginary friend, they’ve successfully completed their very first comic book. Also, he recently picked up his novel-in-progress (NIP) that was collecting digi-dust for an embarrassing amount of time. He’ll let you know when it’s done.

Aspiring novelist/director/podcaster/spiritual guru/normal person

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